watch from 4.55 to 6.00

accidentally saw tis topic....like the idea during 4.55 till 6.00.....i agree with the "love" word... sometimes, love cant b simplified, it has much to be considered which will finally affect the love which u hold firmly into it initially...

Matured 18, just get used to it!!

Another night which flashed back all the memories keep deep inside my heart...something which i'm most unwilling to recall back.
Again, i chose not to reveal the truth to my blog readers...it's something private and confidential...
But most importantly, when i considered the facts that even though i blog out the whole situation, it wont help either...i respect the person-in-the-case.
I respect the person cos for God's name, i know it's not right to write out everything...
Thanks sis for stopping me...
I really prayed hard that tomoro....somehow, will b a brand new day, a day which everything turns back to normal, papa in good mood, mummy happy, erjie happy, dajie finish her work and preparation for exams, and i.....will b happy if God's always there...
I'm trying hard to make God my first, last and only dependence....
I have faith in God and that's y.... after few minutes, i dont think that is a matter now...JUST GET USED TO IT, JOCELYNN!!
I've done well for the past 17years...now, i'm almost 18, i believe i can overcome it in a more matured way...
yeah, 18...
Matured 18 to be...
Hmm....just remember me as happy Jocelynn...dont feel disappointed for me not sharing my sorrows, just that sometimes it's too private to be shared...i believe everyone has one secret like this too=)

*pray hard for studies and family happiness*

PS* All the best sis!!

-Mogu-

Interview soon

生病了,真的像二姐说的---活死人!!

JPA list is out..gonna have my interview on monday 8am...which is...erm...first batch i guess...
not sure whether it's a good news o not....
Anyways, being the first person to do sth is always my style, no matter oral exams, presentations and others, I'm always the one who volunteer to b the first...
Just hope tat i'll be okay soon....keep sleeping and lying on bed like a pig...
Now, am i okay?
Absolutely no!!
Headache!!
Hmm...need to grab some time to prepare for the interview..


Er..erm....
"Introduce urself?"

"Jocelynn...err....err...."

Cant think now, jia, online tomoro afternoon ya.....book ur time, 2pm.... thankiuk!!


Ate dinner and lunch today, but in small quantity, not really feeling well to eat...
Gonna have my new suits of baju kurung on thursday....
blablabla~
random post...

Back to bed...bb=)

Love God always!! and thanks God for letting me be selected into the interview...
Oh ya!! My name got selected for the yayasan tnb interview too, but it's on the same day wif jpa interview and the interview is held in Selangor, so guess, i would say bye bye to tat scholarships...really hope jpa scholarships interview, Jocelynn Tian Li Chieh will do excellent!!^.^



-Mogu-

=)开心的一天

跑步完了，真得挺累人的。。。
不过，感谢主，快乐的蘑菇回来了。。。
收拾好心情，现在只想当属于大家的蘑菇，一个专心学业的蘑菇。。。
好！
加油加油！！
说句“加油”给全部朋友，我知道他们需要。。。
加油！！
看到fb,有朋友交女朋友了，希望他们可以努力经营。。。
我的，我放弃了，不过道理上，还是希望对方更好。
一直都秉持着“好聚好散”的道理，因为毕竟都是曾经在乎过的人，若你不行，那么，我也没办法了。。。
真的在跑步时想了很多。。。
可是现在什么也不记得，可能放空很久吧。。。
看到表哥们打篮球，不尽想拥有那快乐。。。他常常都无忧无虑的，真好。。。
不过，好再，蘑菇回来了。。。清理好伤口，重新迈开脚步。。。
发现部落格很多人都有这重新开始的感觉。。。
甚至有些分手了，专注在学业，向我一样。
有些分手了，就开心得部落格，像展开新旅程般。。。
无论怎样，只要是不伤害自己和所有关心你的人，任何的开始都是好的。。。
只要，拿得起`放得下。。

开心的蘑菇。。。
加油！！


-蘑菇-

A brand new day(heez..din sleep well, headache)

Slept "early" in the morning, dont feel like calling myself a vampire cos it's not tat i'm willing to be one....
I love sleeping cos when i'm deep asleep, i had all these wonderful dreams or perhaps, recently, all these terrible nightmares...
Hmm...
3.15am was definitely a SO-LATE time to sleep...
I can hardly fell asleep...lying on bed, many things flashed across my mind...
Bothering me with all the past that i've been through, i remembered my promise to myself on 1/1/2010----A better year, a better Jocelynn.
That's my words and now, i'm sticking myself on the wall of sufferrings....
No sleep, no eat...(Hey, i will get gastritis sooner o later cos it's my family's....erm....inheritance? All of us have it)
Anyway, living wif relatives simply means tat i should not let them worried...
When it's time to eat, i eat, when it's time to sleep.....Well, i'll stuck on the bed wif eyes wide open....counting blabla-black sheeps....
Yesterday, something came into my mind when someone-whom-i-used-to-care said something cruel to me...
Tears dropped down uncontrollably and a sense of committing suicide came across which shocked me and God, of course...
The Devil is so closed to take over my heart....
Luckily, i had these nice friends of mine and a good sister....
They reminded me on how stupid i am to hav tat kind of idea, just for someone who dont even love himself....
Well, when i awake this morning(not to tell u wad time it is), i thought a lot...
Yeah~ Time will cure everything...If u wan to wait, i'll let u be....I'm not being cruel, but if u wan to change back into the "old" character of urs, how can i stop u, since u dun allow me to step into ur world NOW...
If u think doing tat is good, tat just simply proof that my judgement is right...U changed for me, sheer for me and not for urself....Don't even realise that wad i care so much bout asking u to change is to tell u tat all those stuff are bad, and i wan u to realise them tat way too...But obviously, u dont....
Going back to the "old" person will make u happier?
If so, i wont stop u...I'm going to step my feet out of ur world now as it seems tat i'm not much invited into tat small world of urs...the world which u only care bout urself now and thinking wad u do is the best for others too...
When u told me tat u wan to be the bad guy, i cried...
And thinking of it now(well, friends, dunnid to take time, i made judgement very fast, i realised it after a sleep),I'm so stupid cos u urself dun even feel pity for doing tat, y should i worry, though I AM WORRIED, but....well, nomore tears for someone who cant love himself better before he loves a girl...
Loving urself is not bout doing something u like, feel the taste of freedom...It's about doing the right to urself,make urself happy in the RIGHT way before all other stuff!
When there's no love for urself, how can u love others?
It's not tat u live a life for others...tis is U! UR LIFE!!

That's y, after long thought....I dont wan to die now....No use to think that way..Simply useless...
I noe i will regret if i do so...making all those who care bout me,sad and depressed isnt things that i hoped to see...
And I remembered i'm a christian...
Devil is not gonna conquer my world...
God is still there wif me, always, so i'm not gonna feel my life wif sadness, in fact, in God's world, i'm able to be happier...
Whenever i'm sad, once i think of God, He just has the power to heal my wound...
Just like back few years, when papa is mad, crying-baby-like-me can just simply hide under blanket in my room, all dark..i feel hopeless...Then now, no more crying baby...I will face challenges tough and well...
Friends, dont worry bout me, but for those who're friends of his too, just take care of him, no matter he's willing to listen o not, I'm here always, as long as u're willing to come over to me as a friend, i'm here....


Be happy!!=)
Cousin coming back today...heez><
Gonna have....erm....lamb chop for supper tonight...wakakaXD



No more tears....though still feel sad...but, hah~more relieved...Thanks friend(for u noe who u r)!!

Ys, thanks for ur strong "WAKE UP!" and the saying "cant u see the devil is smiling wide cos u're making urself suffer"

Khai, thanks for all the advice...U help me a lot...



-Mogu=)-

Scholarships information

Many friends are worried bout wad scholarships to apply....
Well, some minor suggestions from me...
For those wif real good results or meet the min criteria of 9A, u can apply JPA scolarship...
Besides, there are also yayasan scholarships of various types....Me for example, has applied the Yayasan Tenaga Nasional's scholarships...(oh ya!! these mainly for engineering field)...
Well, from my view, apply wadever is available...cos u never noe which road God has lead for u...don't let go a single chance....from many, there'll b one tat is selected i guess...
Erm, for yayasan scholarships, kindly google "Yayasan scholarships 2010"...there'll be a lot...
Also applied yayasan proton...it doesnt require essay, but u need to write a resume for it...
wad else?
oh ya!! "Sime Darby" scholarship is still available...search for it's webpage and u'll get much there...
Remind: Scholarships for undergraduate is not for SPM leavers of 2010....we're going to enter pre-university or foundation...so those scholarships for undergraduate, dont try to fill it, cos when u're half-done, it will appear the "academic qualification" page which requires ur STPM results/ matrics/diploma things.....
Honda scholarships are also available...
Anything mentioned above, just typed the company name, eg: Honda scholarships 2010, u will get the link into it.
Many friends asked me bout Shell scholarship's application form....I find the form a lil bit weird...
I didnt apply that, so any friends or bloggers who read this noe how to apply for Shell, kindly leave ur comment or message in chatbox...

Still not satisfied, visit...www.studymalaysia.com
There're lots of scholarships available there...take note on the dateline....some requires passport number, essays and others....

IMU scholarships are available too, but it's quite tough to be selected i think....only 2 will be selected out of....thousands?

Heard mum says those who get more than 8As i think, can get rm800 or more from Yayasan...just like pmr, we got rm200, i think tis is more....
hmm....glad to hear that, but whether application is needed o not, i'm not sure...Mum said, "Ur school should be applying it for all of u..."
So, depends on our SMK GREEN ROAD then...
rm800, which means my laptop's money comes in half ady....
still need another half...

Taylor's University is providing scholarships to good scorers of SPM who's gonna study foundation there.... full scholarship for the 1st year o 1 semester i heard....

In addition, Manipal University in malacca is also giving scholarships, but limited....

This few days read newspapers just to search for scholarships available...for those taking engineering, make an effort to apply.... many scholarships are available...those taking medicine...hmm....like me.....well, it's limited, but do try....heez>< href="http://www.moe.gov.my/">http://www.moe.gov.my/
Pin number has to be bought in bank...Bank Simpanan Nasional.

really minor suggestions here...
Mayb some of u have already known...
Well, keep it up!!
2 months later, our future will be decided dy=)


=Mogu-

若我死了

当上帝创造了人，为什么要赐予我们眼泪？
1.19早上。。。

若有天我死了，会有谁为我掉泪？
我甚至讨厌眼泪，它让我显得脆弱。
曾经有过的想法再次出现。。。
“我现在死了，或许一切就回到原点。大姐毕业，二姐毕业。然后爸妈不用再担心自己女儿的前途，只要伤心一下，就可以忘掉了。。。只要我不在，家里就不会有麻烦，爸爸就不会为了我的前途发脾气，妈妈不用委屈，姐姐可以买任何她要的。。。只要我不在。。。只要我不在。。”

“你很笨啊，除了会读书，什么都不会。”一句永远刻在我心里的话。。。
是的，我就是这么笨。
二姐说的对，家里的麻烦都是我害的。
我或许真的是扫把星。
从以前，就只会躲在房里逃避问题。
家里只要一不对劲，就只会跑进房里哭。。。
直到风平浪静了才敢出去。
所以二姐常说我没用。的确，我就是这么懦弱。
或许我不在，家里就可以早点不用为学业这块领域准备钱，可以快乐点。。。

妈咪，我真的很对不起你。
你知道吗？我真的很爱你，你为我们付出的努力和承受的委屈我都看在眼里。。。
我不想你再自己一个人活在那没有自由的监狱里。
我真的想早点带你走。。。
带你离开这里，我们一起生活，我会照顾你一辈子的。。。一定会。
我不会让你的未来几十年再伤心了。
事实就是，虽然我很没用，什么都不会，但是，我一定会努力赚钱给你。
带你去你想要去的地方。
让你不用为钱愁。
让你看到我结婚的喜乐。
但是，现在的我还没有能力这么做，不过，我会努力。
妈咪，一定要长命百岁，和我在一起。。。
我真的很爱你。。。
真的很爱你。

今天哭了一整天，很累了。。。
就让泪水伴我入眠，因为只有哭，才能让我释放。。
眼泪，我唯一会做的事。。。
或许我不在。。。。



-蘑菇-

2nd sis--killing pill

If this is facebook, then my emoticon will be "dilemma"
It reads...."Jocelynn Tian Li Chieh is in dilemma now..."

Hmm...Talk to second sis just now through msn....
Once i off, cried and cried...
I dunno wad's wrong to me, just feel that i'm so useless....
I cant give my parents the happiness like Gladys's have....
I'm not top student, so......my results considered not good?
I dont think so..I noe this result is good enough...just that it doesnt fulfill my family's expectation?
Mum is always the one supporting me....She cried silently behind me, worrying bout my future without letting me know it...
But she doesnt know, as her child for past 17 years, i've known her well enough to realise the tears on her cheeks....
"Mum, sorry....Millions of sorry...."
Dad is the one kept complaining, but when it comes to me, he's really so kind....I dont know why too....Dad loves me so much....Since young, whatever i wan, well, something reasonable of course, he will buy for me.....Like any other ppl, he always asks me to eat....afraid that i'm in gastric...
My future, seems like not in my decision, but is fully organised and well-arranged by them...They worked so hard....I know...

2nd sis is always the one who makes me realised the bad Jocelynn...the useless one....
I cant control myself when talking to her....
She simply has the power to make me cry loudly and angry....
U wan laptop first? Let u....
When i was still a small baby, i was taught to respect u...not to quarrel wif u...
And when i grown up, i realised that EVERYONE at home seems like afraid of u....
Though i'm always angry...but when u're nice, i love it so much...
When u din talk to me, i'll surely talk to u first...i just dun like the feelings of hating other ppl whom i have to live with everyday...




-Mogu-

Appreciate wad we have now...

I'm so much in down mood nowadays....
Not to mention bout my results, i'm much satisfied with it though, but i noe papa's not...at least cousin told me he seems like not....
Haiz...probably cos my results still doesnt fulfill the best requirements to enter medical field...so-called the "top results"...
Haiz (another long sigh=( ......)
Parents have been so worried, papa even wanna use his own "lao2 ben3" to support me into pharmacy....I dont want!!! At all!!!
That's his money, and most importantly, that's wad he'd kept for his next....50 years....I dont want to be the one who used the money and IF....i mean if lar....i din make it through, then how should i pay him back for that? I cant even think bout it...if i get the money, then i'll be like...studying in pressure..financial pressure...
Hmm....
Applied some scholarships, but after much consideration, i really hope i can get matriculation or JPA scholarship(the best that i hope for)....
Please, just for once, i wanna make my parents proud, let them noe,

"don't worry bout me anymore. I'm so much to independent age and i'm now...see? i got scholarship, no more a burden for u...Now, live for urself, enjoy ur life with the money u saved, k? When i finished my studies, dont worry, i'll be taking care of u two...."

I really hope i can make this promise loud and proud.....plus, make it a truth and not just dream...

So so much worries.....
Talk loudly to mum yesterday, felt so guilty and sad....I noe i shouldnt, but i'm just frustrated and she's there, talking on the same topic again, and so.....I.....hmmm....
Really sad....Everytime after my act, i'll surely say sorry to mum...And she'll give me a usual smile of forgiveness...
Now, I noe mum loves me so much, so do I....
But doing bad things to our family than the person outside, sometimes, it's just becos they're our closest, so we noe they love us, so we take for granted...
Shouldnt like tat....But i cant help....Somehow, i noe, they're the only person whom i can scold at, i can shout at, i can cry at without any hesitation of having them leaving me far away...
They'll always be there....
And now this makes me think, wad if one day, they're not?
*cant even dare to think* choi~ (chinese custom)

Often think tat i should study smart smart, study hard hard to strive an A+ for SPM (that's the aim for few years...)
Wad for? To fly up high and far....
I wanna study overseas and stuff like going on travelling, anything that can help to run away from this home...(which i always think i'm not lucky to be in this family)
Till form4, i realised how much my family loves me when I slowly tried to love my family and tolerate with them in God's way...
Even I do still wan to study overseas to have wider view of this world....but, family will be my hesitation....
I can still vividly remember, once, eldest sis came back from KL after 1 year studies....
She told me, crying..."I feel so sad, lynnlynn, u hav to appreciate the time wif mummy and papa, just now when i saw them in airport, i suddenly feel that they're so old out of a sudden..."
Understand the feelings?
We never realised how time passed when we're together all the time, everyday, every week, every month....
When we're not, u'll regret that time is cruelly taking all the beauty and health in one's life....
So, do appreciate wad we have now...
Many people couldnt or perhaps, just unwilling to express their love to their parents....
If so, treat them nice everyday instead of saying "I love you" which u don't mean it at all!!


So much of randomness, again, Dear God, I noe U have prepared a way for me, now, please take me along, lead me to the path U've arranged for me....Thanks God.



-Mogu-

我的诚心祷告

忙碌了很久,真的很感谢上帝!
袮温暖了,让我在疲惫中仍是快乐.

上帝啊,我有话想对你说....

亲爱的主:

今天是12/3/2010
昨天成绩出炉了...感谢上帝赐给我的喜乐 .
主啊,可能,我得放弃我一直追寻的理想了..
就为了奖学金,我可能得选择一科我从未想过的科系...
现在的我,或许就真的像Mdm. Ng说的,被奖学金牵着走吧...
或许很多人觉得我的成绩很好,我也很满足.
不过,我却没有信心它会让我进医科.
我很茫然.
父母甚至是医生们都告诉我做医生不好,但是这确实我当初祷告时,希望自己能迈向的理想...
原因很简单,我希望自己能在病人间荣耀主的名,把主的爱传出去...
这,也是我未来,秉持着的信心.---传福音.
之后,想了想.
或许我即将迈进的科系,我从没想过,但是,也不妨试试看...
诚心希望可以拿到奖学金,父母就不必为了我的将来担忧了...
主,袮会继续带领我的,我相信...
因为,我行这事,不是为了自己,而是为主行的...
主啊,恳求主袮保守着我的同时,也保守着袮的儿女们,信袮的,能够继续在主的爱里喜乐,继续跟随主的脚步,把主的爱传扬出去;还在寻觅的羔羊,可以回到主的怀抱里.


我将这一切向主仰望交托在主的圣手当中.
感谢全能的主.
我奉主耶稣之名在此祷告.
阿门.


-蘑菇-

My SPM results

Well, the outcome is....I'm not gonna starve...Hmm...in fact, i do starve for half day just now...din eat from morning to evening...heez>< make u angry le...

Erm, my results, overall, i'm satisfied wif it...though not the best, but....hey! I'm sure i've made God proud~ hehe...
Really happy....
Thanks God for always being there wif me...
Thanks a million(which i think not enough to express my thankfulness) Muacks muacks muacks(for God=>)

Didnt ask other friends for their results except those whom i'm really close to in school...
Erm, ok....time to reveal...

English---A+
BM---A+
Mathematics---A+
Add.Mathematics---A+
History---A+
Chemistry---A+
Physics---A+
Science---A+
Biology---A
Moral---A
Chinese---A-

Tat's my results....
Do hope to know other friends' results...
Anyway, really hope that this results will bring me to uni and not stop here in form6....really pray hard for this too...



-Mogu-

The day before the big day...

....I really pray hard...
I'm stressed...
Weird, i'm worried, but not as nervous as before, when i received my pmr results...
This time, i'm more calm...
Perhaps, the "confidence and calmness" that i asked from God is given to me now...
I really really pray hard....
Please...My future...
Can i make it?
Hope my results will make God proud and glorify God's name cos wad i've got is totally given by Him..
All for God...
Amen.


-Mogu-